You're Lilah?
Arnold?
What's the password?
- "Romeo sent me." - He must like you.
- Did he say that? - He sent you to me.
- He knows I'm desperate. - You came to the right man.
So, how do we do it?
Do you have money?
- I didn't know how much... - $500.
Jesus.
They're $20 a pop. I can sell you a packet of 25.
This is prime stuff. Guaranteed fresh.
Could I see them?
No free samples.
Look, this is my cookie-jar money. I've got to see what I'm buying.
Never let it be said...
"What does a Polish girl get that's long and hard when she gets married?"
Where's the punchline?
That's what you pay me for.
Speaking of marriage, I'm married to a Polish man.
I don't know if you know Polish men...
...but he gave me something long and hard when we got married.
- You know what? - Yeah, a last name.
You heard that one, huh?
I hate Wilma Flintstone. I want to talk about it.
I think she's a fucking bitch.
I'm from New York, from a large family. There are 10 kids in my family.
That's a lot of kids, Jack. My father has stretch marks.
There's a bunch of us.
I know you're all staring at me thinking, "My God, look at this girl.
"She looks so much like Diana Ross. I can't get over it."
I'm going to do an impression...
...of Gandhi's mother.
"Sweetheart, please, just a sandwich."
My wife bought alligator gloves. I said, "Why the gloves?"
"I'll tell them I got a skin condition."
Have you tried Leech Off?
Leech Off works naturally with hydrochloric acid.
Just a few drops in each eye, you can kiss those leeches goodbye.
We were making love the other night. I felt he was holding back.
So I said, "Sweetheart, we've been married for 15 years.
"When we make love, I don't want you to hold back.
"I want you to do whatever you want to do."
So you know what he did? He threw up.
The thing about being married to a Polish man...
...you'd think it would be like being married to anyone else.
The first physical contact I had with a woman came very early in life.
I saw a girl dancing, I went up and bit her on the chest.
Slaughter? They're saving the whales...
...they're saving the seals but nobody gives a shit...
...when they kill a baby polyester just to make a...
Hollywood's newest concept for a wax museum comes from an ear doctor...
...who treats the stars.
I don't want to argue with you, please, with the stereotypes.
Chinese people are excellent drivers. Fine.
A lot of Jewish people pick up a check. Fine.
Many Japanese tourists have no photo equipment.
They have big dicks. Fine.
Listen, you'll like this. It works in my history class.
Nathan Hale said, "I only have one life."
Listen. I can wait. I'm waiting.
I have all the time.
Asshole!
Excuse me. I'm Steven Gold.
Mr. Gold, how nice of you to drop by.
Sorry I'm late. You know, I was up studying all night.
That's all right. Certainly seems to be paying off for you, doesn't it?
Sir?
On the written portion, you got a 98.
It's the highest grade in the class.
I did?
Yes, that's quite an accomplishment for a student who's been...
...on academic probation for the last half year.
Thank you.
I'd call it incredible.
Wouldn't you?
Trace the path of digestion, Gold. Label everything along the way.
Was this on the prep sheet?
No. But for a man who scored 98 on the written test...
...this should be no problem. Labels please.
If I could just say a word about labels.
I think that to truly function in today's society...
...a doctor has to have an understanding of the human being as a whole.
- Do you not agree? - I would.
I could stand here and I could name things.
I could name the hard and soft palate, the pharynx, epiglottis and oesophagus...
...the stomach, the spleen, but it doesn't begin to touch on the fact...
...that the gastro-intestinal system, which is your specialty, Dr. Wishniak...
...indeed the field that I hope to go into...
...is really responsible for keeping the whole human being alive.
The heart, the lungs, everything pales by comparison...
...because man is motivated...
...in everything he does by hunger.
Popular belief has it that man is motivated by sex, Mr. Gold.
Let me tell you something.
You show a starving man a beautiful woman and a pizza.
What do you think he's going to choose?
Make it an ugly woman and a pizza.
Name the parts, Gold.
If you can't get 100 percent, you're not the man who took that test.
And if you sent someone else in to take it for you, you're out!
Spleen inflecture of the transverse colon.
Greater omentum.
Vermiform appendix.
The intestine.
What part of the intestine?
The large intestine.
What part of the large intestine?
- Do you know it or not? - Of course I do.
Then what is it?
The poop chute.
I call it that because I don't believe in shrouding our organs...
...in mysterious names. That's why people are afraid of doctors.
- We're washing you out, Gold. - Dr. Wishniak, please.
I've been under something of a time problem this semester.
I've been working nights.
Can I be frank with you?
There are people with real talent and dedication waiting for a spot in this school.
One of them is going to have yours, because it serves no purpose...
...to let someone like you become a practitioner of medicine.
What good does it do to allow someone with no talent for it...
...to treat people with life-threatening ailments?
It'll cut down on the number of people with life-threatening ailments.
- Is everything a joke to you? - No, it's not, Doctor. I'm sorry.
- Please, I'd like another chance. - Sorry.
I can't flunk out.
You already have.
What am I going to do?
This work you do at night, is it anything you have a talent for?
Rectum!
But seriously now...
...if the phone rings and it's for me, it's my father.
He thinks it's the number of the school dormitory, so everyone shut up.
Last week he calls me up.
He says, "Son, I want you to tell me that you're in the top half of your class."
"I'm in the half of the class that made the top half of the class possible."
That sounds kind of deceptive...
...but if anyone has pulled as many strings as my father has...
...you have to break it easy to him that you flunked out.
- Your hair looks great. - You think?
- It's going to kill. - Thanks.
- Hi. - Hi, Percy.
- Check it out. - Yeah.
- It's Lilah time. - Hi, Brian.
I love your hair.
My husband's going to kill me. He hasn't seen it yet.
Dump the asshole.
It's very mango. It's very Zulu. It's very Lucy.
Lilah, I talked to my manager.
He said that you should send him a tape. Everybody starting out needs a tape.
The networks, they love housewives. They're into them.
Everyone loves housewives that's why Jesus loved Mary. A true story.
- Who's got a cigarette? - Who's got a tape?
My friend will make you one for $100.
- Who's got $100? - You need a tape, trust me.
- You need a tape. - You need a tape.
- She needs a tape. - All right, I need a tape.
Could someone do me a big favour and trade places with me tonight?
I haven't been home all day. My husband's really pissed off.
- Not me. - Not I.
Why not?
Tonight's a first-come-first-served night...
...and you walked in right after Mr. Ball.
He gets the audience into a fractured, frenzied, bloodthirsty state.
I can't follow that.
- Zip me. - Who's up now?
The very genuine, the very wonderful, the very stage-hoggy Steven Gold.
Who's up next?
The very vivacious Sister Saint Monique.
Brian, wouldn't you do me this favour and trade with me?
I'll make it up to you.
Beg me.
- Please? - All right.
- Thanks. - Tell Ernie to send me down a drink.
Make it a scotch and soda.
Why, Sister.
I'm no New Yorker. I didn't know about the city so I had to learn.
I wanted to take one of these tours.
I got on this tour bus run by this guy, Tommy Chen.
And Tommy didn't know shit about New York City.
Tommy Chen was making it up as he went along.
"Okay, this right here, this Columbus Circle.
"This call Columbus Circle because...
"...when Columbus came here...
"...he looked all around.
"You know how subway get its name?
"Subway originally was tunnels filled with water.
"People travel uptown, downtown, on big long submarine.
"Hold 300, 400 people. But they were very slow..."
- Hi. - How you doing?
- I'm Eve. - I'm Lilah.
I know. I saw your stand-up last week.
Is that the week I got a laugh?
How long have you been doing it?
Thirteen weeks and three days, but who's counting?
I know. It takes time.
Eve, pick it up.
"That over there, Central Park.
"It named after cousin to very famous Korean Tung Sung Park...
"...who'd another cousin named Prospect, but he live in Brooklyn."
How long before you get like that?
Steven? I'm afraid he's born that way.
- You know him? - Yeah.
"And they were from Harlem."
That well?
Briefly. Asshole needed a place to stay.
"We don't want to see poor people in Harlem."
Not a good experience?
A lot of laughs.
"I can't really blame them. Nobody wants to see unhappy places.
"Nobody wants to see sad places.
"People want to see beautiful places.
"People want to see a beautiful world. And I show it to them.
"Even if I have to fake it.
"I'm not just a tour guide.
"I'm a tour stylist." Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Steven Gold, ladies and gentlemen. The comedy of Steven Gold.
How about that? A very lovely guy.
A sick guy, but a lovely guy. You know you're at The Gas Station?
- Hi, I'm Lilah. - Hi.
I'm a big fan of yours. I watch you all the time.
Could you watch me sometime and give me some pointers?
Sure. Right now I have to go clean my fish tank.
I want to keep bringing them up here, like it or not.
Are you ready for it? All right, let me hear it.
Okay, now the next lady...
...is not very funny but...
...she does have chronic yeast infection.
And she has a Polish husband, so I don't know which is worse.
Let's be nice to her. Let's give her a nice big Gas Station welcome.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Lilah Krytsick.
Come on, Lilah. Come on up here. Show them what you've got.
Lilah Krytsick, ladies and gentlemen.
Quick, get her a ladder.
How's that?
This is the first time anybody's asked me to make it smaller.
Thank you, Romeo.
It's true, my husband is Polish...
...which I personally don't think is very funny.
But if you think it's funny, I'd like to tell you that to him...
...the term "simultaneous orgasm" means:
It could happen in the same room.
I don't understand.
The kids in the history classes, they love it and think it's funny.
It is funny.
It is funny, but the audience goes after you because you let them.
You got to fight back.
If a guy heckles you, heckle him back.
Use that old joke about his wife:
"Excuse me, sir, is that your wife? Do you have any naked pictures of her?
"Would you like to buy some? Naked videos?
"How about 8-millimetre pornographic loops?
"Or pictures of her with me? With farm animals?
"With ex-cons from New Jersey?"
It's an old joke, but it shuts him up and the audience gets a laugh.
Attack, Jerry.
Why would he have naked pictures of his wife?
Forget everything I just said. Just forget everything.
- Hey, Steven. - Yo!
Could I talk to you?
Step into my office.
- See you later. - Yeah.
- Have a good show. - I will.
- You'll kill them. I know you will. - See you later.
- What do you want? - Are you taking a bath?
Making a pit stop. Been sleeping on a couch lately.
You could use my office. Do you need some money? Is that it?
I can't pay you back, if that's what this meeting is about.
We're friends, we're like a family.
I won't ask for money when you're in a tight spot.
- You're a prince. - I take care of my people.
- You're a saint. - Like I took care of Robyn Green.
You are God.
Two years, I took him through hard times. I did.
What happened? One night, a talent scout walks in. "Goodbye, Romeo."
Not a thank you, not a postcard.
- No 10 percent commission. - This isn't about money.
- You hurt my feelings. - It is about money.
You pack this place up, and pay us $15 a set.
Then you get discovered and I'm still here.
Where you rake it in, while we sell our blood to the Red Cross.
Don't tell us about any big favours you do.
- I could've turned this place into a garage. - Why didn't you?
I'll tell you. God help me, I love comics.
- Cut to the chase. - What chase? What is he talking about?
You want to be my agent?
- You want 10 percent of my $15? - Is that a problem?
The $12 I get for selling my blood? I'm a very rich man.
I've been selling off my body. Usually you wait until you die.
They're making a special case for me. I got $6 for a lung...
...I got $2.50 for a pound of my liver.
I've been selling my sperm to a fertility clinic.
The sperm bank has a night-deposit slot. I'm making a fortune.
I'm just tired of sticking my dick in a machine.
- Funny stuff, write it down. - You're laughing?
I have written it down.
- I want you to remember me, that's all. - Who's Madeline Urie?
She provides talent for all the major networks.
She scouts for Letterman. She scouts for Carson.
She saw your first show. She wants to see you again.
Is this for real?
She's upstairs, right this minute, waiting for you.
Why didn't you just say so? What should I do?
- I'll do the subway stuff. - No.
- I'll do the medical stuff. - Yes.
- Do up your fly. - Aren't we trying to impress her?
- Put some money in your pocket. - I don't need your money.
It'll make you feel strong.
You do many interesting things in medical school, play fascinating games.
There's "Name that Organ."
It's small, shaped like a swimming pool. I'm going to guess kidney.
Am I right?
Of course, you do have to go...
You don't know his name? We've had the same pediatrician for 8 years.
How could you not know his name?
I have to call my manager.
How high?
Is she up? Can I talk to her? Would you put her on?
There's a talent coordinator here and I want to find out who it is.
Heidi, honey.
Tell me what's the matter?
When did it start?
"Advanced Bedside Manner."
This class teaches you how not to do a shudder-take...
...when you know your patient is going to die.
"Let's see, we just got these X-rays back from the lab.
"Let's take a..."
Taxi!
Roll down the window.
I'm going to the garage. How far are you going?
- Just a couple of blocks down the street. - All right, get in. Come on.
I lied. I'm going to Jersey.
And I've got your name and identification number, Mr. Hadji Gonzales.
Take me where I want to go or your job goes right in the crapper.
Oh, lady.
"I say my prayers each night
"To make my soul a little cleaner
"Then I get up in the morning
"Try to catch me a novena
"I'm the envy of everyone
"Especially the Catholics
"Eat your heart out, Nell Carter
"'Cause I'm married to the fella
"who's on the crucifix"
I think this is the perfect way to get back at this tight-assed bitch.
She'll come in, see this amputated member from the male cadaver...
...stuck up between the legs of the female cadaver. So I do it.
I don't care. She comes in the next day and looks at it.
She says, "One of you gentlemen left in a hurry last night."
I'm dead. I'm gone. I'm laughing.
This is the highlight of my semester.
You really did go to medical school.
Yes. In fact, my father thinks I'm still there.
How can that be?
He lives in Chicago and I live here.
My ex-roommates cover for me.
If he calls, they leave me a message on my service, so it all works out.
- How long has this been going on? - All year. A full year.
I figure I can hold on till spring.
What happens then?
I don't know.
I was kind of hoping that something would come along and replace it.
Like, "Dad, I'm not going to be a heart surgeon...
"...like you or my brother after all, but I am going to be a star."
Yeah, you are going to be a star.
- You think so? - Absolutely.
And you're in a position to know about such things?
That's what they pay me for.
So what are you going to do?
Send someone down here to see you.
- Who? - Can't say.
Okay. When?
I think it's better if I don't tell.
It's that much of a mystery?
Isn't life more fun that way?
Lady, I've been coming down here for eighteen months.
Eighteen months and I have not missed a night.
I take the money that my father sends me, I pay for a shrink and buy groceries.
Now, I owe my shrink and I'm behind in my rent.
My roommate's changed the locks on my front door. I can't get in.
He won't give me a key until I pay him.
You wanna play games? I can play games.
I can play ventriloquist with my underwear.
I can play darts while maintaining an erection.
I can gargle dishwater and fart O Canada at the same time.
I can play the piano without being popular.
I once dreamt I was dancing with a jackhammer up my ass.
That's either a sex dream or I need more fibre in my diet.
If any of this is turning you on, just let me know.
Is this a joke?
If you're sending someone down, you better send him fast...
...'cause funny Steve is going under.
"Here's hoping your tomorrow is grand
"It's been great to entertain you for a while
"In your book of memories
"Keep the name Billy Lane
"Remember this night
"and smile"
I love you, ladies and gentlemen.
But the love of my life...
...is the lady named Comedy.
This is a really good one, Mom. It's really funny.
Really?
I got a knot in my hair.
- Could you help me? - Just a second.
"Who is the most popular actor in the Bible?"
I can't believe it.
Mom, it's the one day I needed to be there on time.
Just tell her your mother overslept.
Do you want to hear it, Mom?
You didn't come to bed last night.
I sat up with Heidi. Did Jenny even get home?
- After midnight. - Forget the eggs, I don't have time.
"Who is the most popular actor in the Bible?"
- Where's the coffee? - There's no water.
- Why is that? - It's on in the bathroom.
Guess, Mom. Take a guess.
You intend to cook with bathwater tonight?
Did you forget we have guests for dinner?
Morning. Mom, what did you do to your hair?
You forgot about tonight.
- You got egg in my hair. - I think it's a grown-up one.
I told you about it two weeks ago. Walter Robie, the church account.
Or has my business become unimportant to you?
- Tonight? - Something wrong with tonight?
- I'm eating at Susie's. - You're not.
It's Friday. We're going to a movie.
- You're staying home tonight. - Is someone coming tonight?
Give me the brush, I'll do it.
All right. I want you to do it anyway. You do it much better.
Since Heidi's feeling better I thought...
You weren't planning on going out tonight?
No. It was this afternoon.
There's this guy who does videotapes...
- I'm talking about tonight. - I'm talking about cooking.
- Stop arguing. - I'll call you from Susie's.
I want you home from school, you hear me?
- Cut it out! - You do not live at Susie's house.
Is this going to be every day now? And every night now?
When you first asked it was to get it out your system.
Now look what's happening.
Three nights last week. How many this week or the next?
Stop it!
- What do you want? - A wife.
For dinner? What do you want for dinner?
I forgot my gym shorts.
No favours, okay.
I can take my clients out to Jumbo Jack.
Or we can boil bags of Stouffer's together. I'm good at that.
Jumbo Jacks and Stouffer's succotash!
He is.
After dinner I can go to that hole and watch my wife make a jackass of herself.
- You've never even seen me. - Whose fault is that?
You said you understood about that.
I don't.
I couldn't be the way I need to be if you were there.
- Which is what? - Different.
- From what? - From what I am right here.
What's wrong with what you are here?
- Who took my gym shorts? - They're in Carrie's drawer.
- What are they doing in Carrie's drawer? - Coral put them there.
These people I've invited want to meet my family.
That's the way church people are.
If they like your family, they do business with you.
They have 17 churches I could insure, and Jerry and I need the business.
Now Bunny does this for Jerry. She cooks for clients.
- What time? - 6:30.
- I'll be here. - Thank you.
- You're welcome. - Carrie.
I need lunch money.
- I need money, too. - My wallet, it's...
- Where is it? - I've got $20.
I need $50 till I get to the bank.
I have $1.
Lilah?
It was my money. I saved it.
Where is it? Lilah?
I spent it.
On what?
Something I needed.
$500? What did you buy?
Jokes.
This is like living with a goddamn junkie.
Family crisis. See you later.
- Were they good? - Not very.
We were going to go away with that money.
You said you were saving it so the two of us could get away.
I've got one, Mom. You can have it for free.
I'm sorry.
It's not that I don't want you to be happy, Lilah.
I just don't know what the hell to do.
'Bye, Mom.
- The answer is Samson. - What?
He's the most popular actor in the Bible. Know why?
No, sweetheart, I don't know why.
'Cause he brought the house down.
I guess it's not grown-up enough.
Look, Randy, don't be a prick. The lady's crazy about me.
She's bringing the main guy to see me tonight.
Screw the back rent, man, I'm gonna be rich.
I'm going to get discovered tonight.
Yeah. No, I can't... I don't... What?
All right. I'm doing a nooner in Queens today.
I can give you $100, but that's it.
I can't give you $600.
Where the fuck am I going to get $600?
So sell the fucking stereo, I don't care.
If you're gonna lock me out of my own house, just do me a favour...
...feed the birds outside the window.
Give them some of your food. That's what I did.
Don't... Fuck you! What an asshole!
- Do you know some guy named Arnold? - Yeah.
- Sells jokes? - Yes, why?
I'm looking for him.
- You want to buy some jokes? - Sell some.
You've gotten that good, have you?
Back. Sell some back.
They didn't work.
No, not for me they didn't.
A joke's a joke, babe. You just bought from the wrong guy.
Pedro, give me something awful. Are you having lunch?
- Sure. - Spaghetti special?
Sounds awful enough for me. One for the lady.
- Do you recognise me? - Of course. Why?
I don't know. You aren't usually this nice.
I'll tell you a secret about me.
I get jealous when I see somebody who's got it up on stage.
I can't help it.
- Me? - Yeah, you.
Five minutes of the right material, you'd be un-fucking-believable.
You've got that thing. People love you on stage. You know that.
- You mean it? - All you need is the right gags. So...
I try to write my own jokes. Like last night...
What are we here for but to help each other out?
- You'd be willing to do this for me? - Sure.
Where are you from? Jersey?
- Jersey? - Yeah, I'm from Jersey.
- Do you have any kids? - I've got three kids.
- Three kids, great. - My feeling is that...
- What did this Arnold guy charge you? - $500.
Okay. All right. This is the right ballpark.
Jersey, three kids, there's something there...
I couldn't pay you right away.
I mean, I could pay you.
I just couldn't pay you right away.
How long does spaghetti take?
If I could find Arnold, I could pay you right away.
Yeah, forget it. It's all right.
Look, I spent my vacation money. My husband's and mine.
You've got your priorities then.
So spend your money on your vacation and don't worry about jokes.
I mean, if it's not that important to you.
It's very important to me.
What do you need it for?
Ask my shrink.
Jeez. Cheese!
- You didn't mean it, did you? - Yes, I did.
That I've got something?
That I would sell you jokes. Do you want to buy some?
Not from you, you piece of crap.
How do you get off treating people like this?
I don't see your name up in lights over there.
So what if you're funny?
If that's all you are, so what? Jesus.
No wonder you're there every night. You've nothing else to do. That's it.
Pedro, hold the spaghetti.
Bring this lady that testicle salad. That ball-buster special.
You know, the one with the fork.
If they're yours, I'll need a pair of tweezers.
I thought you'd like that.
Everything's a great big joke to you.
Lady, nothing is a joke to me.
That's why I do stand-up comedy.
And that's why you don't. Yours is $1.50.
Wait.
Hey!
- What did you mean? - Oh, lady, please.
You said nothing was a joke to you. What do you mean?
I have to be somewhere. I'm late.
You don't like women? I see you help Mr. Ball.
- Mr. Ball's got guts. - And I don't?
You've got gall, not guts. You stand up, you tell dirty jokes.
What does it have to do with you? Are you a sexpot?
Give me a break. You're a Jersey housewife with snot-nosed kids.
A car that won't start. Tell me about that.
That's what takes guts, and you don't have it.
Am I being clear?
- I've gotten laughs. - Fine. Then take them and go home.
I want to learn.
Lady, it takes every night. Six clubs a night. All night.
Working stag parties and Elks Club banquets, opening for an accordion player.
I don't have time for all that.
How about now? I'm going to Queens. You wanna come learn something?
- Are you serious? - Yes, I'm serious. Are you?
- I... - I guess not.
I'm cooking for a dinner party.
Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.
What if it isn't funny? You tell me to talk about my life.
What if my life isn't funny?
All of our lives are funny, babe. We're God's animated cartoons.
What about your husband?
- There's gotta be some laughs there. - Not mine.
- I bet there is. What does he do? - Sells insurance.
- You win. How about your kids? - Three girls.
Okay. All right. Big, little, what?
Nursery school, babysitters maybe?
God, they're gonna need one if I'm not home by 4:00.
- That's funny. - There's nothing funny in that.
The maid'll leave and they'll be alone.
Think comedy. Who's the babysitter?
This kid that lives down the street.
- Comedy. What's their name? - I don't know.
- Comedy. What's their name? - Charlie Manson.
- All right, that's funny. - That's funny?
You just wrote a joke. Yes. Charlie Manson, the babysitter.
Yes, that's funny! Keep going with it. Go.
Honey, he's put X's on their foreheads again.
If he's busy, then we use this other nice boy.
Davie Berkowitz.
He's so good with dogs.
Who's Davie Berkowitz?
You know, Davie Berkowitz, Son of Sam.
You know, Davie Berkowitz. He talks to dogs.
Manson is funny. Berkowitz is not.
I thought that was sort of funny.
Manson is funny.
Berkowitz is not.
All right.
Another game is...
Another game is "Double up on the Medication."
You put the pill under your tongue...
...and when they return to check on you...
...you insist it wasn't in the cup. "It wasn't in the cup.
"There's no pill there. You give me my medication.
"I'm sick. You see?"
Those of you who are taking suppositories might want to pass on that whole thing.
What? Do you have a question? Your hand has been up since I got here.
This is probably a very debilitating illness.
What is your occupation?
I'm a doorman.
You're a doorman? So, like, you hail taxis?
That's what I do, yes.
This is like a good training device then.
You're fine. You should get out of this hospital.
It must be painful having this IV hooked up.
- Not at all. - No pain at all?
No, that's not mine, that's his.
Son of a gun. Let me see this thing. Good God, it is. What have we got here?
You're getting your lunch today. We have some strawberry Jell-O.
It's that pasta salad dextrose.
What's your main course today? Liver and onions.
Boy, even in the bloodstream that's some pretty nasty stuff.
Here's a nurse. I'm just guessing.
You're right.
A sponge bath from this woman would really be paradise.
Look, a doctor here, folks. Son of a gun. A Jewish doctor.
Something you don't see very often in a New York City hospital.
- You are a doctor, sir? - Yes, I'm a doctor.
And what is your field of speciality?
This is my first year. I don't know yet.
Could I recommend a career in welding, perhaps?
Just a suggestion.
You liked that? You liked that one?
- What is your name, sir? - Sam.
You're a happy guy, Sam.
What are they pumping into your nostrils?
What is this concoction? You're turning blue, Sam.
Why is that? You're turning blue.
Good God, I'm standing on his air hose.
I'm sorry.
You're running out of air. And so am I.
Folks, you have been a great audience. Really.
You've been a good audience.
You've been a sick audience, folks.
But thank you very much, everybody. Get well, everybody.
You were really good.
Thank you. That's very nice of you.
You were terrific.
- Thank you. That's very nice of you. - Thank you.
What about last week?
I think it was 60,000.
45,000.
45,000?
I see.
That's good.
Taxi! Oh, God!
Taxi!
Wait! Oh, my God.
Taxi!
Okay, stop right here.
Hello!
Hello?
I'm home!
Don't come near me! I'm home.
- What are you doing? What's the matter? - Where are you going?
I love you. Stay out of my way.
- Where's Jenny? - At the movies.
At the movies? All right, that's it.
She's grounded. If I ever see her again, she's grounded.
I want the two of you to go and put your nice dresses on.
All right? Okay? What are you doing? Go! Put your nice dresses on.
Go on, now, put them on!
Help me!
She said, "Hurry!" Come on.
Where are my shoes?
Oh, my God!
I can't find my tights.
Oh, my God!
Girls, come on! Let's go!
- Why are we running? - I can't button this dress.
Will you help me with my hose? Mom! Help me!
You two are just going to have to help each other.
Oh, Jesus!
Out of my way! Out of my way!
Heidi, go long.
Heads up.
Bread basket! Pantry.
- Carry! - Yeah?
No, "carry." Come here. Help me carry.
Take the big platter. There you are.
Somebody man the peas.
Heidi, the peas.
Carrie, napkins. One on each plate. Here we go.
Heidi, break the bread.
Carrie, light a match.
Spoons. Centrepiece. Light that match.
All right.
Living room!
Carrie, get your things off the planter.
- What should I do with them? - Get rid of them.
Here, get rid of it.
- What happened to the fish tank? - Don't say that again.
But the water went down.
I told you not to say that.
Kids.
Yes, dear?
My family.
Good evening.
The black goldfish is missing.
Yes, I'm still holding.
Why don't you just put me through to her? I don't...
What restaurant?
She told me herself that she was bringing a gentleman down to the club to see me.
The club: The Gas Station.
All right.
Would you give her that message...
...and have her please call me down here?
The Gas Station. Thank you. Phone is free.
Were you born in New Jersey, Reverend Young?
Yes.
So was I.
- So was I. We both were. - Together.
We weren't born together.
- Care for some more wine? - Yes.
I got a new joke, Mom.
You do, baby?
I think it's grown-up enough.
- I'm sure it is, sweetheart. - She loves to tell jokes.
Coral told it to me.
Did she, dear?
Tell it, Heidi.
What did one cocksucker say to the other?
- Go home! - Betsy Ross says, "I have 13 stars."
Would you listen to this? This is funny. My class loves this.
Do you have any idea where she is tonight?
Is this her service?
Do you know, did she plan to come down to The Gas Station tonight?
Who you got coming? An agent?
Okay, no, never... Just tell her that Steven Gold called...
...and that I'm still expecting her and the gentleman at the club. Thank you.
If you have a talent scout coming, you're supposed to tell.
- I don't have a talent scout coming, Albert. - Really? Who tried to call?
- Did somebody try to call me? - That's what I heard.
- Did I have a call? - Yeah.
- Why didn't you tell me? - I couldn't find you.
- Who was it? What did you say? - I don't know.
He wanted to know when you perform and what time you go on.
So it is a talent scout.
He's coming down. What did you tell him?
I told him you're here every night and if he wants to know what time, to call back.
- He said he'd call back? - He said, "Thank you."
- But he said he'd come? - Don't know.
- Why don't you write these things down? - Why don't you take a hike?
Who is it? Just tell me who it is and I'll watch for him.
Will you give me a second?
If you listen, it's going to be real funny.
Now, George Washington gets off his white horse and...
George Washington sucks.
You, sir, do you have any naked pictures of your wife?
Only kidding.
No more than anyone else who has a family.
- What do you mean? - What do I mean?
What do you want?
- Just a family I can be proud of. - A family you can be proud of. Like who?
- And don't tell me Bunny and Jerry. - Bunny and Jerry.
Fuck Bunny and Jerry.
Why do you use language like that? Don't use language like that.
No wonder your daughters talk like toilets.
- "Talk like toilets"? - You know what I'm talking about.
What do you want?
- Just be a mother. - I am a mother.
- Not by my definition. - I am by my definition.
A mother stays with her children at night.
- Unless she works. - Unless she gets paid to work.
- Unless she's lucky enough. - Unless she's good enough.
- I am good enough. - You're not, Lilah. You're not funny.
You say that to me one more time and I'm going to leave this house.
- You can't stand the truth. - I'm out!
I didn't say it!
- I'm out of here! - All right, I will say it.
The woman who lives in this house is not funny.
That woman, there in the dark, is not funny.
- I'm out of here! - No one laughs at that woman!
That woman is not funny!
I broke your deal. Sorry. I'll have to pay for it.
- What's the matter with you? - Nothing.
There's people upstairs asking for you. They wanna know what time you go on.
They look like heavyweights. Who are they?
Jesus, she came through for me.
Who came through for you?
- Who are they? - They're network people.
- "Network people"? - Give me another 20-minute set tonight.
Calm down. I want to have a nice talk with you.
- Later. - Listen.
Leave me alone for a minute.
That's the whole point. You don't have to be alone.
Even a prize-fighter has someone in his corner.
Come on now, I know these people.
Use me. I can handle them.
Let me entertain them after the show.
They're only going to come in here once.
Let me help you make tonight count.
Okay.
- "Okay"? - I said okay.
- We're talking agent? - You're my agent.
- Permanent agent? - Whatever.
In writing?
In writing. When can I go on?
How about now?
- Just take it easy and relax. Relax. - All right.
- Steven? - Don't bother me, all right?
Don't bother him.
How's the house?
- Good crowd. - A sensational crowd.
- Okay. - Just relax. You ready?
- You'll point him out? - Sure. He's down the front.
Just take a deep breath.
- You gonna get Albert off for me? - He's almost finished.
...you blew up a sporting goods store and you want to dust?
And I said, "Yeah, give me the Pledge."
Where are they?
Third table, left. Grey hair. Kill them.
You guys have been a nice audience and Lenny wants to come up here.
Please see my new movie. It's called, Goober, the Forgotten Pile.
Shit! Romeo.
Albert Emperato, ladies and gentlemen.
I'd like to settle down and get serious for a moment.
I want to introduce you to someone...
...that I've had the privilege of nurturing along on the road to stardom.
You know, I've been in this business a long time.
I've seen comics come and go, and sometimes you see somebody...
...that goes right to the top and they stay there.
This young gentleman is not unlike that.
I've had him on this stage month after month...
...because I knew one day his star was going to shine.
There is very little else I can say about him except that...
...he's like a son to me.
Let's have a nice warm welcome for Steven Gold.
The comedy of Steven Gold!
Come on up here, Steven.
He wants to be coaxed. Come on.
Steven, come on up here. Come on.
He's a little shy. Let's give him a big hand.
Steven Gold!
That a boy, Steven! At last.
My name is...
You know who I am.
Anyone here from...
Don't you hate it when comics do that?
It means that they don't know what else to say.
Anyone from out of town? Here you go. Okay.
Yeah.
- You sir, where are you from? - Green Bay, Wisconsin.
There's nothing funny about that.
What are you doing while you're in town? You having fun?
Until now.
That's funny.
This guy's all right.
Is that your wife with you, sir?
My daughter.
That's not gonna work.
I was going to ask if you had any naked pictures of her.
- That won't work now, will it? - No, that's not going to work.
No, that won't work.
I have some people in the audience.
I'm not going to kid around with you people.
This is a heavy night.
This is a real heavy night.
I thought I was going to get discovered tonight.
And that is exactly what happened.
I did.
That was a private joke.
And I'm a comedian, so I'll go public...
...with these jokes.
My father is a doctor.
When I was a student...
...I was a really bad student, but that didn't stop my dad, the doctor...
...pulling a lot of strings to get me into med school.
Even though it didn't seem to matter to anybody...
...that I couldn't stand the sight of blood.
In fact, I once got yelled at because...
...during a fishing trip, I wouldn't take the hook and put it through a minnow.
I didn't want to give it cerebral contusions.
I didn't want to give it optical poptitude, you know.
You know what optical poptitude is? It's bulging eyeballs, so...
There's something funny in here.
I'm gonna find something funny in here, so
I don't know what's funny anymore...
...so could you just laugh any time that you feel anything funny?
Just feel...
Let me tell you about medical school.
You can't make the mistake of letting them know...
...that you're squeamish about things because they smell it on you.
I once made the mistake of telling this female lab partner...
...that I couldn't stand to see things suffer...
...like little frogs, that we'd have to dissect.
And she took this thing. It's called a probe.
It's like a prong. And she plucked out this frog's eye...
...and she flicked it at me and it stuck on my neck.
I think that's pretty funny.
My dad is this big macho guy and he shoots deer and shit like that.
I'm this kid who can't stand the sight of blood.
They used to have deer in Chicago...
...until my brother and father gunned them all down.
These are the guys who killed Bambi's mom.
Wait a minute. I didn't tell you about the dead cat.
I haven't told you about the dead cat!
My fucking roommates put this dead cat in my bed all the time.
Someone help me! Christ!
Come here.
Check it out, baby.
Leave me alone.
No! Go home!
Just leave me the fuck alone!
You're all right.
So my brother would be down in the library studying...
...and I would be upstairs in the attic...
...covering myself in tin foil, from head to toe.
Making up these superheroes of my own.
You know, Tin Foil Man.
Shingle Kid. You know.
Stuff to make my friends laugh...
...but at home, you know, I was never funny.
I used to make everybody laugh.
Even my husband.
God, we used to laugh.
So?
What happened?
I don't know.
The kids or his job.
Me.
I don't know.
So why don't you leave him?
I've got carpool in the morning.
He sounds like a prick.
He works all day, comes home and takes care of the kids all night.
He sounds like a saint.
He's not wrong.
I don't know.
Maybe I should quit. I don't know.
What? Quit stand-up? No, you can't do that.
Why not?
Because you're funny.
I mean, you don't know how to get to it yet...
...you haven't figured that out, but you're funny.
Look, don't kid me about this, all right?
I'll say anything to a woman and not mean it.
I'll say I love her.
I'll say she's beautiful. I'll say she's sexy.
I don't mess around with "funny."
Yeah, this is great. This is really great, you know.
- What? - Wonderful.
- What? - Just wonderful. Look.
I'm a married woman.
- So? - I'm 10 years older than you. I gotta go.
- So? Wait, Lilah. - I gotta go.
Come on, be Italian.
What does that mean?
I was hoping you would know.
I gotta go. I really gotta go.
You're in trouble already. So hang out with me tonight.
I'll teach you something about being funny.
- I can't. - Yes, you can.
You just want to talk to the crowd.
- Pull over here. Thank you. - I need my jokes.
- You talk to the crowd. - "Talk to the crowd"?
- I don't want to. - They help you develop material.
- No, I just simply can't do it... - You're gonna learn now.
- Come on! - All right. God Almighty!
You don't have to yell at me. I have nothing to say.
Yes, you do. The subway.
- What subway? - Remember the subway.
I don't remember the subway nor what it looks like.
Hi, I'm Lilah...
...and I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm not allowed to use my jokes tonight, so...
So I'll tell you I'm a housewife. I'll admit to that.
And I have three kids.
And I live in New Jersey.
So, you see, I'll admit to anything.
- Where are your kids? - What?
- Where are your kids? - Home.
- Who's looking after them? - My husband.
What if your husband's not available?
Do you have a babysitter?
Charles Manson.
And then if he's busy you use that other nice boy down the street.
Davie Berkowitz. He's so good with the dog.
All right, it's not funny. Okay. So shoot me.
All right, I'm just gonna grab the...
All right, this man over here is laughing.
- What is your name, sir? - Bob.
Bob. And what do you do?
I'm a marketing consultant.
"Marketing consultant"?
You're a marketing consultant?
Bob, could I consult with you for one minute?
Whenever I get a cart, why is it that one wheel always goes...
...like this, and pulls to the right, right into the canned goods?
I've wondered about it, haven't you?
This lady is laughing here.
You have a problem with produce, don't you?
I think you must. You have your hand in that gentleman's lap, I think.
So, tonight it's going to be career night, because everybody's life is funny.
Trust me on this. We are all God's little animated cartoons.
This gentleman right here.
- Sir, what's your name? - Murray.
Murray, trust me on this one. Your life is funny.
- What do you do? - I'm an insurance salesman.
You're an insurance salesman?
Did you ever want to be anything else?
Think back with me.
You're a small child. You're dressing up. It's Halloween.
All the other boys, they're firemen, policemen, they're Zorro or Batman.
And cute little Murray, whose mother adores him, is a...
An insurance salesman.
"An insurance salesman"? Murray, this can't be true.
You dressed up in a polyester suit and you handed out business cards?
This is a bachelorette party? So, could I see what you've got here?
You must have an appliance or two.
It's a shower, for goodness sake. This is what I was asking for.
I'm not so old-fashioned. You have appliances in today's age.
You get...
I hope this is for a sore shoulder.
You better take this right away, honestly.
Holey-moley, that's very frightening...
I mean that's a high-voltage item, Buffy.
I don't want to be intimate with anything that has a 90-day warranty.
- Which one's your house? - It's just up ahead. I think I should walk.
Are you sure you're going to be all right?
He doesn't beat you up or anything like that?
It is almost morning.
I'll slip into bed with one of the kids.
He'll think I've been there all night.
What then?
I don't know.
You could run away with me.
Thank you for tonight.
- I'll never ever forget it. - You were brilliant.
Because of you.
Now, hold that thought. Okay?
- Lilah. - I gotta go.
- No, I want to say something. - Don't.
You don't know what I'm going to say.
Just say good night.
You should have let me say it.
Good night.
Steven! What are you doing here?
They won't put my calls through to your office...
...but I figured you had to have lunch, so...
I'd love to, but I'm swamped lining this thing up.
I was waiting for you down at the club but you never came down.
I called. You didn't get my message?
I don't believe it. You don't know. No one called you this morning?
I'm locked out of my apartment. I don't. What?
Listen to this. I'm having dinner last night with this guy...
...major network executive, top brass...
...telling him how incredible you are. Insisting he comes down to see you.
And the whole idea just explodes into something absolutely spectacular.
Are you ready?
Two weeks from today, we're coming down with our cameras...
...to shoot a one-hour special.
The pilot for a weekly series called Open Audition.
The winner each week gets a guest spot on Johnny Carson.
What do you think? Brilliant?
I think it's not what you promised me.
I promised you'd be seen. This is no aimless audition.
The winner gets a shot at Carson.
- No one's coming to see me. - Of course they will. You're the best there.
- In your opinion. - In my opinion.
It's worth something.
It's certainly worth a lot more than your word.
Steven, for your information...
...the owner of your club sent me a list of submissions.
The name Steven Gold wasn't on it.
He said you were emotionally unstable.
I had to exert pressure just to keep you in this thing.
Don't give me heat about my word.
- Who else exactly is on this list? - Why?
Because there's someone good you might have forgotten.
Aren't you nice? Aren't you nice? Hello, everybody.
And welcome to America's favourite noontime show.
It's the "Lesbian Lunchbox."
So many lesbians come to see the show...
...I thought we'd talk to some lesbians here tonight.
Doesn't that sound like a wonderful idea?
- Hi, you a lesbian? - No!
"Methinks the lesbian doth protest too much." Just teasing.
Hello?
This is the phone company. Is Mrs. Krytsick in? It's important.
Mom, phone company.
- Hello? - Lilah, it's me.
Steven.
I'm at the club. What's going on? Are you coming down?
You shouldn't have called me here.
- Didn't you get my message? - Yeah.
I did. What does that mean, you can't come to the club for a while?
I really can't talk.
Wait a minute. What about the contest? You're on the list.
What contest?
At the club. The winner gets a shot on the Carson show.
I'm on the list?
Yeah, I got you on it.
- When is it? - A week from Wednesday.
Oh, God. I can't do it.
Why not?
I'm kind of in a holding pattern here.
My husband wants me to quit.
Jesus Christ, Lilah.
How long are you gonna put up with this shit?
It's really not that simple.
It is that simple. You're with the wrong guy.
He doesn't deserve you and you know it.
I'm not afraid to tell that to his face.
You should be with me. I'll tell him that, too.
No, the phone is working just fine.
You get your ass over here right away, all right?
It's a little late for that.
- Who is it? - It's the phone company.
Tomorrow then. Meet me at the coffee shop at 6:00.
No, I couldn't make that. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow.
I love your hair!
- What's wrong with the phone? - I don't know.
All right, listen.
You come and meet me or I'll come over and tell your husband...
...I'm crazy in love with you and you with me.
- Wednesday. - What time? 6:00?
Don't get hustled into an appointment if the phone's okay.
- Give it me. - Lilah, 6:00?
- No. - Give it me!
No! No!
Lilah!
I can't talk right now.
So that's what this has been about.
No.
It's just a friend.
A man?
A comic.
I see.
He believes in me. He thinks I'm funny.
Some day, Lilah, and it may be too late...
...you'll remember that we loved you whether you were funny or not.
It's 7:30. You happy? I'm home.
If you can't make money selling your services...
...what are you going to sell? Your body!
You're going to go down to this hospital to get an appraisal of your worth.
"$450 for your liver. For your liver, $450.
"Two pints of blood? I'll take it off your hands!
"And I'll take off your heads. For your eyes, $0.10.
"No noses today. No noses. Come back Tuesday."
If you won't sell your body, what will you sell, your dreams?
Go down to one of these dream clinics!
Can you imagine that, selling your dreams?
So what do you want? You know I'm a hair designer.
I can give you anything. Glamour, punk.
Look at these roots. Look at that.
- Want to go back to your natural colour? - I just want a change.
What, a whole new look? A whole new thing?
Different. I want a change.
Okay, great. All right. I got a great idea.
You're gonna love this.
This stuff looks ready. Where is she?
- She said she'd be home by 5:30. - It's almost 6:00.
She's getting her hair done.
- How long does that take? - You'd better take the roast out.
What do I do?
You open the oven and take it out.
- Don't get smart with me. - Sorry.
Stop eating those. You'll spoil your appetite.
Lilah?
I didn't mean to do it.
I just wanted to change.
- I didn't mean to... - Take it easy.
Mom, don't cry.
Take it easy, Lilah.
Come on now, honey, come here.
Just sit down now.
Just calm down.
I didn't do it on purpose.
- Sit down. It's not that bad. - It's not.
I look like Buckwheat.
You're just not used to it. We'll just have to get used to it.
Yeah, we gotta get used to it.
- Okay? - Okay.
We'll see what we got here. Let me look at it.
- Okay. - I'll take a look. Okay?
- I think it's wonderful. - You do?
- No question. - You look like a movie star.
- You're not just saying that? - No.
You look like Miss America.
You're the prettiest mother of any kid at my school.
It looks better than it ever looked.
Mothers at my school are pigs compared to you.
Oh, you...
They are. They're oinkers compared to you.
You've got the prettiest hair of anyone in the world.
Sweetheart.
Honey, thank you.
Thank you.
Yo, Lilah.
Steven.
How's it going?
Tough going?
- I like your outfit. - Thank you. It's my Italian look.
Married woman, single man, scandalous affair.
- What happened to your head? - It's terrible, isn't it?
No, no.
Did they drill holes in it for bowling?
Thank you, Steven. I knew I could count on you.
Always. Coffee? Dry out a bit.
Pedro, dos cafe con leche, por favor.
Did I get you in trouble when I called the house?
No. It's not your fault.
What's the deal?
He doesn't let you have friends or do stand-up.
I'm surprised he lets you out the house.
He thinks I'm at a P.T.A. Meeting.
So why don't you leave him?
You could do that, you know.
People do it all the time.
Especially now that he knows there's another man.
You could pack up those kids and split.
I've only got a couple of minutes. Could we talk serious?
Okay. You know why six is afraid of seven?
- What? - You want to talk serious. This is.
- You know why six is afraid of seven? - No.
Because seven "eight" nine.
It's a kid's joke. I do kids' parties. Kids love me once they get to know me.
And I think that your kids will love me, once they get to know me.
I'm sure.
Mr. Carrot and Mr. Lettuce had a terrible auto accident.
You know what the doctor said at the hospital?
They'd be vegetables all their lives.
- You knew it? - No, I didn't.
I had a girlfriend, she was so skinny. You know how skinny she was?
When she drank tomato juice she looked like a thermometer?
- Right. You know how ugly she was? - These are so old.
- Tell me how ugly she was. - How ugly was she?
When she walked into a room...
...all the mice jumped on chairs. - Do you see?
Do you see how great we would be?
Together, I mean, married or something.
That's right. That's what I said. I said "married."
Steven, I love my husband.
Yeah.
If we're gonna be married, you'll have to get over that.
I know you don't believe it, but he loves me, too. He does.
Sometimes I think he deserves a medal.
You just took it too far.
We were... We are friends, we are.
It's not like we won't see each other. We will.
You gonna give up stand-up comedy?
I don't know.
That's where I am, babe. I'm Mr. Comedy. And if you kiss it off, you're kissing me off.
So don't tell me we'll see each other again.
They're my family. They need me.
What if I told you that I was going to die without you?
Not that I am, but what if I told you I was?
That I woke this morning and you were all I had to keep me going.
You have comedy to keep you going.
Yeah.
- Jesus, what do you want from me? - Nothing!
Just go back to New Jersey and clean house...
...and tell jokes into a vacuum cleaner handle.
And when your husband comes home, pin a fucking medal on him. Pin it deep.
- You think that's what I want? - I don't know what you want.
In the words of our own Billy Lane:
"The love of my life is a lady named Comedy."
And in the words of Kissinger:
"A man shouldn't be separated from his luggage."
It's neither here nor there, but in the middle.
Right where the thalamus joins the basal ganglia.
And if you haven't heard basal ganglia, you haven't heard Shakespeare!
The basal ganglia, where something passing through the size of just a peanut...
- Don't do this! ...can bring silence!
Darkness, like a comet, like a ship, Io, passing into the night.
This scares me. Stop it!
Don't be scared, because I'm funny Steve with a lampshade on his head...
...who is singing and dancing, for your entertainment...
...his own rendition of Singing in the Rain!
Girls, everybody, come close. I wanna talk to you.
Marty, come up here. Get Stu to give you a hand. Come on.
There are gonna be five judges. Five judges.
I want them seated at Table 7.
Eve, you take care of them.
Everything's on the cuff. Everything's on the house.
You guys!
They say that Robyn Green is coming and he's going to be one of the judges.
Big fucking deal!
- You. No way, okay. - I don't know where to park.
- You can't park here, okay. - I'm one of the comics.
- What? - I'm one of the comics.
Don't tell him to go, he's on the show.
- All right. Back it up. - He's gonna win.
Great. Pull around back there. Park it.
People, the show don't start for two hours. Please get out of here.
That's electric that cable.
Rico, you're seven. Petroviak, eight. Lilah, nine. Where's Lilah?
Doesn't she know there's a contest? Where's Steven and Ball?
Didn't I tell everybody to be here by 6:00?
- Tell me when they get here. - Romeo, why do I have to go first?
Somebody has to. Why not you?
- I don't wanna go after Ball. - What is this, a mutiny?
I didn't get a number.
Billy, what are you doing here?
The contest.
Billy, I had a list.
I mean, didn't you read the list?
Billy, I'm terribly sorry. I mean, I've only got ten spots.
It's a network television audition. It's for comics of the future.
Come on, I need you in the audience. I need you for laughter.
I need everybody. Everybody's gotta laugh at each other's act. We're a family, right?
Relax, I'll call you later.
I have an announcement. Elvis has cancelled.
Please turn in your tickets at the box office.
You want to move back a little bit, girls. Here come the dogs.
Mom? Dessert's ready. Dad wants you to come down.
Mom?
Dad made a special dessert.
Where are you going?
There's a contest at the club tonight.
I want to be in it.
But you promised Daddy.
I promised Daddy I would think about it and I have.
Come in, I'd like to talk to you about what I've been thinking.
Come on.
There's three things in this world that I love:
I love being a mom.
I love being a wife.
And I love being able to make people laugh.
I've always been able to. Even when I was a little girl.
And it's always made me feel good.
It still makes me feel good.
The thing is...
...when you do it right and you make people laugh...
...it feels like you're doing something...
...that no one else could do quite the same.
You know?
It makes you feel...
...special.
I'd be a happy mom if you found something...
...that could make you feel that way. Make you feel special.
You know what I mean?
I'd be even happier...
...knowing that the people who loved you were helping you to do that.
I want to be a wife.
I want to be your mom.
And I want to be a comedienne.
I know.
People don't always get everything they want out of life.
But it would feel terrible to not try.
Could I see you?
When I come home.
I mean, do it.
I'd like to see you do it.
Say yes, Mom.
Okay.
Yeah! All right!
It's Robyn Green, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's not get too close to Robyn, folks. Robyn's a celebrity.
He doesn't want to be bothered by scum like us.
Look, he's got a bodyguard. I bet you anything his name is Vic or Tony.
How's the bone-breaking business, Tony?
Nice hair.
It's another limousine, everybody. That can only mean one thing:
A celebrity's inside. Let's see who it is.
It's... Some guy!
It's some older gentleman with some beautiful blonde babe.
Folks, can you stop just for a photograph, please?
Come on! Just for a lively little photograph.
Who is that guy?
All right, stand back, please.
You're gonna have to get off the street and onto the sidewalk.
Come on in, everybody. The contest hasn't started.
You'll see a great show. I had to come up on stage.
I had to say hello 'cause I love you. How much do I love you?
A hand for Robyn Green. The wonderful Robyn Green.
We don't have time for any more jokes, ladies and gentlemen.
Maybe a couple of punchlines. "Ping Pong balls"?
I thought you said, "King Kong's balls."
- You look great. - So do you.
Good to see you.
- You look beautiful. - Thanks.
Robyn Green started on this very stage and now I can't get him off.
- Off, off, off. - I gotta go. Thank you very much.
Very good. Very good, Robyn. That's wonderful.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a big night here at The Gas Station.
We have a distinguished panel of judges...
...who are going to select one of our rising young comedians...
...and give him an opportunity on a major network television show.
I'd like to have a hand for our panel of judges.
You remember them from Nuremberg?
It's time to roll, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.
- And the tape is rolling. - Tape is rolling.
- We are on a "go." - We are on a "go." Okay. Now? Okay.
Welcome to contest night at The Gas Station.
"Stop, stop
"Stop what you're doing and think of me
"Stop, stop
"Stop what you're doing and think of me
"I'm so successful
"Can't you see?
"I love to hug myself
"It brings me ecstasy"
You know, a lot of people think all black men are well-hung.
This ain't the truth.
You got brothers out there with three and four inches.
Yeah, those are the ones that date white women.
Is this thing on?
So I was at my girlfriend's house the other day, and she was waking up.
She leans over to me and she says:
"Sweet pea, want some breakfast?"
I am pissed off of a Japanese.
Japanese people piss me off. Yes, you know why?
- Why? - Feel how heavy this shit is.
When a guy is mean to us or if he cheats on us...
...we can't tell him, "You're a bastard."
We'll call our girlfriends up, right? And with a syllable hysteria:
"He-hurt-me-so-much...
"...l- can't-take-the-pain...
"...l- gave-to-him-my-love..."
- Is she almost finished? - I don't know.
- I'm on next. - Fantastic.
- Prepare for greatness. - All set.
Thank you.
Do you know what I like to do sometimes? I like to piss off Middle Eastern people.
It's called punk terrorism.
And what I do, right, is I go downtown to carpet stores...
...and I walk into the place and I say:
"Hi. I want carpet, but I don't have the square footage."
An Iranian guy'll say:
"You don't want carpet...
"...you want an area rug."
And I say, "No, I don't want an 'area rug."'
These people are like newly-born bald eagles.
You know, it's like "area rug."
"It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing"
Have you seen Mr. Ball? We can't find him up here.
He's not down here.
Somebody better find him. He's about to miss his spot.
Let's do a Mary: "Mary, Mary, bo Birley, Bonana fanna
"fo Firley, fee fy mo Mary, Mary!"
A little trick with Jesus:
"Jesus, Jesus, bo Jesus, Bonana fanna fo Jesus, fee fy mo Jesus, Jesus!"
Let's do Pope John Paul.
Hello.
Is anybody in there?
Mr. Ball?
This is the men's room.
Are you all right?
I can't do it.
Yes, you can. You're up.
- I'm gonna puke. - Take a deep breath.
- They'll hate me. - They'll love you.
They always hate me.
You're gonna turn it around tonight.
- You think so? - Yes, I think so.
I feel it. I really feel it.
- Do it for your students. - I got to do it for them.
- And for the History Department. - History Department. I got to do it.
- Get out on that stage and kill. - I'll try.
You'll try? You'll do it.
- Did you notice my wife? - She looks great.
And she's got a good seat. You look wonderful.
- Thanks. Like the suit? - Very much.
It's reversible.
Billy?
I love travelling, because when you travel you see a lot of history.
I went to France.
You have to know the language there, otherwise they don't like you.
So I bought these tapes, where you learn while you sleep.
But there was something wrong with my tape.
Halfway through, it went into disco music.
I didn't know this until I got there.
I get off the plane, someone goes, "Parlez-vous francais?"
I went, "Oui, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it."
I went to Canada...
Steven, something's wrong with Billy.
Canadians want to be so much like Americans...
...but they have different rules and regulations up there.
Is there any pressure right here?
No.
Is there any sensation in this arm or numbness in the left hand?
No.
Is your stomach queasy? Do you have a headache?
No.
Are you taking any medication?
None.
Seen any bad TV shows or anything?
Okay. Is there any pain when you breathe? Any pain there?
Any pain when I lift your arm up like this?
I don't have any pain. You didn't have to come down here.
Is there someone who can take you home tonight?
I'm going to stay.
I want to see who wins.
It's not a heart attack. You've got a rock-steady pulse.
I'm fine.
Okay. You'll be all right down here?
Okay, just relax. Take it easy.
You know, it's a great feeling to win.
I did it once in a contest in Las Vegas.
It was bigger than this.
I won a shot on the Ed Sullivan Show.
Ever hear of it?
It was bigger than Carson.
Bigger.
Any day.
I have to tell this right off, folks. I have a drinking problem.
I've been drinking like a fish all night.
Here's my impression of a dentist's appointment.
"This won't hurt a bit."
God, he's good.
- But not good enough to take me. - You're up for it.
Yeah. I'm going out with a bang. I got all new stuff. How about you?
I've got some new stuff.
Good. Get up there and beat me up with it.
- I'll do the best I can. - I'll do better.
I know what you people want now. Jokes!
Steven, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you.
I'm a lousy lay.
Yeah, so am I.
See? We'd have been perfect for each other.
Jerry Petroviak, all right!
- What? - I'm on next.
So? Take it easy, you'll be fine.
God, I can't remember anything.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven "eight" nine.
- Go kill them. - She's married...
...she's "the mother that roared." Let's have a big hand for Lilah Krytsick.
Come on, Lilah. Come on up here.
Thanks, Steven.
Hi.
- How are you? - Fine.
- Hi. - Hi.
- What's your name? - Mark.
Mark, are you married?
Yes. This is my wife.
How long have you been married?
- Six months. - "Six months"?
- Too long. - "Too long"?
Now listen, you shouldn't laugh. It's very difficult. It honestly is.
I mean, we all know this. You're never on solid ground.
I've been married to my husband for 15 years.
Sometimes I look at him and say:
"Who is this man? How did he get in my house?
"I've never seen him before in my life."
And other times our identities meld.
I itch. He scratches. I feel better.
I don't know where he ends and I begin.
Except in bed...
...when he's usually ending, just when I'm beginning.
You know, the thing is, before we were married...
...when we used to, you know, make love, he would say to me:
"Oh, sweetheart, goddamn, you feel so good.
"You're so beautiful. I love you so much."
And now he says, "Move your head, I can't see the screen."
Before we were married, my husband John always used to go...
And he used to go...
And now he just goes...
Truly, I honestly think that men have it very, very hard today.
You do.
Not when you need it, but...
I'm sorry.
I mean, it's hard. No!
You're doing this to me. Now, come on.
I mean, really, it's a difficult situation for men, it really is.
It's like women have gotten to the point where they don't need men anymore.
I mean, you know, there's like these...
...mechanical items.
You know what I mean?
You know what I mean.
You use one of these things?
Oh, my, not for me.
Honestly. No offence. God bless, go to it.
It scares me. It really does. It really frightens me.
I don't think that I want to be intimate...
...with anything that has "Panasonic" written on it.
I'm telling you, we have nothing to judge from.
All the way back in history, I'm sure the Garden of Eden was a mess.
I'm sure that Adam was an insensitive lover.
He kept referring to their lovemaking as "getting some rib."
He had no clue what he was doing.
He was completely lost.
One of the first things he said to Eve was:
"Stand back, darling, I don't know how big this thing gets."
Thanks. Thank you.
- You okay? - Yeah.
She did good.
You know what? I feel so much better. I can't thank you enough.
Thank you.
Let's hear it for Lilah Krytsick. All right.
Incredible. Fabulous, Lilah.
This next comedian has been waiting...
- Go kill them. - You didn't make it easy.
- I think you can handle it. - Just watch me.
Ladies and gentlemen, Steven Gold.
Let's hear it for Steven Gold.
Thank you.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Great.
Great!
I blew it already. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
Can you get any more trite or boring than that?
I don't think so.
Here I am, trying to impress these...
...judges...
...and I start with the oldest phrase in the history of showbiz.
Something completely forgettable when what I'm trying to do...
...is be remembered up here.
How about these judges?
"Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!
"I am Spartacus! I am Spartacus!"
Why don't we get to know our judges personally, shall we?
They are: Larry, Moe, Curly Joe... I'm kidding around.
Seriously, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo. All right, cut it out.
Fred, Wilma, Barney... Will you knock it off?
I'm funny. Okay, Lassie, Benji, Rin Tin Tin.
Hey! All right! They are:
Some well-dressed guy.
Next to him, his homosexual Svengali lover.
A woman.
Some guy who got thrown out of radio. Is that the lowest?
And, of course, Robyn Green.
Robyn Green, when he appeared right here on this very stage...
And what he did... Robyn was introduced:
"Ladies and gentlemen, the comedy stylings of Robyn Green."
"Comedy stylings"? What did that mean? Like, he's not a dermatologist.
He's a skin stylist.
Not a dentist, but a tooth stylist.
Not a barber, but a barb stylist. A hair stylist.
I guess that would be right.
Who wants to be a comedian anyway?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a superhero.
I wanted to live in a super fortress.
Even though some superheroes have pretty jive powers.
Aqua Man? Aqua Man can breathe underwater and talk to fish.
These are super powers?
Wonder Woman? Wonder Woman flew an invisible jet.
How did she find it?
She stumbled around the runway until she got lucky? "Oh, here it is."
What did the control tower tell her? "We think you have clearance."
Can anybody be a superhero?
Table Man.
He solves crimes at dinner for four.
The Motorcycle Guy. His helmet has secret compartments.
Big Lady. Criminals flee. Who wouldn't?
New York cab drivers are required to have chauffeurs' licenses.
Now, what is the point of this? "Stop the honking.
"I brake for human beings. So shoot me.
"I can't just run the old lady down.
"Okay, people, next stop, Empire State Building.
"You know how to get there? Practice, practice."
I don't hate taxi drivers. I don't hate anybody.
The world is far too confusing a place to hate anybody.
I don't even hate that clown at the bank who tells me...
...I can't cash my cheque for 10 days.
Or that jerk at the supermarket. Or those idiots on the subway.
Or these geniuses who broke up the phone company.
Or trendsetters. I don't hate trendsetters.
People who tell us what is "hot" and what is "not."
Don't tell me what to do! I don't hate them.
Don't tell me what to do! I'm not wearing bellbottoms.
I am not wearing them again!
I don't care if the Prince of Morocco is wearing them.
I know, he doesn't have to live here. I do.
I don't hate trendsetters. Or debutantes!
I don't hate debutantes!
I don't hate young, rich, white...
...female debutantes!
I don't even care about debutantes.
They spend $1,000 on their hair. So what? They're debutantes.
They're wearing priceless diamond tiaras. So what? They're debutantes!
They have opinions on world hunger. Who cares? They're debutantes!
They're having a coming-out party? They're coming out of a Rolls Royce.
What does this have to do with life as we know it?
I don't hate debutantes!
I don't hate anybody.
I'm not a hate-monger.
I'm more of a hate-stylist, if you will. Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Bravo! Bravo! The demented world of Steven Gold.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a hand for Steven Gold.
How about a hand for the other performers we heard here tonight?
- Good stuff. - Thanks. Give me a drink.
You were wonderful.
- You were great. - Thanks.
Very convincing, very powerful, very Shaka Zulu.
- Steven. - Thank you.
You were great.
- Do you really think so? - Absolutely.
It was do or die tonight.
All right, you guys, let's take it downstairs.
We'll wait for five minutes...
...while this distinguished panel of judges makes up its mind.
And in the meantime, to make it easier, we'll all have a drink on the house.
Lilah.
It's just personal. It's from my husband.
Okay, everybody, this is it.
Now, I wanna tell you one thing:
There are no losers here tonight. You're all winners.
Whoever they chose, they chose because they chose.
They changed their minds three times. You know why?
Cut to the chase, Romeo. Who won?
I can't say. That's what I'm trying to tell you.
They want you all on stage to get a real reaction...
...when they announce the winner.
- What is this shit? - They want to see the losers, man.
- Just send the winner up. - They want it to be a surprise.
Big surprise. We all know who won.
- Yeah? Who won? - Steven.
Wrong. Steven didn't win. Don't tell me there are no surprises.
Steven, I'm sorry. You wanted me to cut to the chase...
...I'm cutting to the chase. It's anybody's ballgame.
Now, I'd like you to line up here. Steven, I'd like you to set an example.
- Why didn't Steven win? - Because somebody else won.
But we all saw. He had the best set.
He had the second best.
He got two votes of the five. Someone else got the other three.
Now, look, don't embarrass me, please.
I promised them you'd all be back on stage before I announced the winner.
Anybody who does not get on that staircase now is disqualified.
I mean it!
- Did Steven really come in second? - That's what I said.
Then I'm out. Disqualify me.
Lilah, come on. What are you doing? Really? What is she doing?
Just in case I won, it's Steven's.
What is she doing? What are you doing?
I'm going home. Eve, would you please tell my husband to meet me out front?
Wait. Please. Lilah.
I'm out, too.
- Me, too. - I'm in. I'm still in.
You did win.
Makes a difference, doesn't it?
I really did win?
Yes. You got three out of the five votes.
The guy with the grey hair was crazy about you.
Yeah.
It makes a difference.
- See you later, guys. - Lilah, don't do this.
Listen to Steven.
Do you think they're gonna give it to him just 'cause you walked out? No.
Three of those judges didn't even like him. They were offended by him.
They'll re-vote and give it to someone else.
Even if they did give it to him, do you think he's going to be grateful?
In 10 years, when you're sitting in your station wagon...
...with curlers in your hair and groceries, are you gonna hear from him?
Not even a postcard.
Or any of these others who'll get it because you walked out?
Forget it!
Come on, you won the brass ring. Come claim it.
That a girl.
That's my girl.
See? See?
I forgot my purse.
Hey! You wanna work in this club again?
Yeah, I do.
Nuts.
You're all a bunch of fucking nuts.
John.
Lilah.
Hi.
Lost?
I won.
You won?
I won.
You won?
Why aren't you in there?
I've got time.
I've got you guys.
Thank you for my note.
You were great.
- I was? - You were great.
- I heard you laughing. - Yeah. You were hysterical.
- I could hear you laugh. - You were wonderful.
You know what I was thinking?
You could tell the story of giving birth to Carrie.
You were in the parking lot going, "I'm Lamaze! I'm Lamaze!"
That's great!
- You think you could do that? - Yeah, I never thought of that.
- Start to finish. You know what I mean? - There are a million stories at home.
And Jenny with her "Round John Virgin."
Oh, God, no! How can you remember that?
"Round John Virgin, mother and child"
That's great. I never thought of that.
"Don't care if I ever have a dime
"If I could keep you rolling in the aisle
"Here's a thought to see you home
"And wherever you may roam
"Remember this night
"and smile"
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